Last night I gave a lead in which I talked about learning to say “no” to people. I feel this was one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned. Before I learned how to say “no” my answer to any request of me was “yes”, whether I wanted to do it or not. I was the classic doormat that allowed people to just walk all over me, because of a need I had to be loved, appreciated, and wanted by other people. That also meant that people could say whatever they wanted to me with no consequences. Learning to say “no” was important because it meant taking care of myself, by setting boundaries around my willingness. It is possible to be willing for all the wrong reasons. The issue here is what is motivating me. Once I eliminated my motivation to please other people, it became much easier to say “no” and to accept the consequences that might have come from that decision.
After my lead was over one of the meeting’s participants commented on the dichotomy of how important it is to say “no” but at the same time to always say “yes” to service. There are many things I need to say “no” to. Most important, anything that will compromise my abstinence. When someone offers me some food that is not on my food plan, I need to say “no”. Whether I say “no” is really all about my willingness and motivation. This is not about having weak willpower. My willpower is not the problem. I have plenty of willpower. The problem happens when I put my willpower towards the things that are not healthy for me. If anything, I have too strong a willpower. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, and you were not going to get in the way of what I wanted. So, in other words, saying “no” is about enforcing my boundaries. What is healthy for me and what is not. It is possible to say “no” too much and to the wrong things. For example, I was taught you should always say “yes” to opportunity. That is how I have managed to advance in my career. But I did not always say “yes” to the right things.
Interesting enough, back in the day before I learned to say “no”, I did use that word or at least my behavior echoed that word, a lot. I said “no” to anything that I was afraid of. The only time I overcame my fears was when my need to people please was more important. Yes, my priorities were all screwed up. That meant “no” to new friendships, new opportunities, and new adventures. I was only willing to stay in my tried and true, comfort zone. Saying “yes” meant taking a risk. It also meant making an effort and that meant work! If I could avoid anything that involved effort and work, I did. Oh, I was a big mess when I came into OA. Lots of 6 and 7 Step work to do.
Saying “yes” and “no” to the right things requires self-awareness. It always comes back to that. Back before OA, I coasted through life like a butterfly in the wind. The wind took me wherever and I just let it. I was not really paying much attention anyway. Most of my attention was firmly placed on my pain and misery. Just waking up every day was a burden. And then getting through that day was about surviving that day under siege by the world. I was not very aware of myself back then. When I came into OA, I was told I needed to stop focusing on the past and the fear of the future and start focusing on now. How did I feel right now? What was I thinking about right now? Where was I right now. Self-awareness was key because what I needed to be able to answer was motivating me. That is the key. Awareness of my motivations gave me the ability to change my mind, which in turn changed my feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Until I knew what was motivating me, I was just a robot going through my pre-programmed reactions and actions (or lack of actions). My old sponsor Dave used to say, “Do you want to go through life as a Zombie, pursuing brains, or wake up and discover if I had one between my ears?”Back in the day it was all about fear and desire. Fear and desire controlled my decisions and actions because it was what motivated me.
Willingness is all about my motivations. How willing I am, is directly proportional to how motivated I am. In other words, what was driving me to say “yes” or “no”. If I am being motivated to say “yes” because I believed that will make someone love me, then I was opening myself up to a world of hurt. I am powerless over people. No matter how I tried, I just could not make anybody do anything I wanted them to. On the other hand, if I said “yes” because I knew that doing that thing would help me stay abstinent and help the organization I loved, then I was choosing something healthy for me. Likewise, if I said “no” to something because the risk meant leaving my comfort zone and that was scary and required work, then I was saying “no” for the wrong, selfish reasons. Saying “no” in this case, robbed me of an opportunity to do some good and possibly help myself at the same time. However, if my reason for saying “no” was because I was already giving a lot of service and adding this new service would be too much, then I was choosing to find a healthy balance in my life. Having healthy motivation made the difference between choosing what was right or wrong for me.
Today, what motivates me is to be healthy. Healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That means knowing my boundaries and where my balance point is. Self-awareness is the key to know what the right thing is. I love to say “yes” to service, but that can easily become as much of an obsession as food used to be. I have a lot going on in my life that needs my attention. If I add another thing that takes my attention, then something else will need to be sacrificed. This is what balance is all about. Choosing between what is most important to me and to give my attention to that, not allowing my fears or desires make the choices for me. There is only so much of me that I can spread out over 24-hours. And as much I would love to change the length of one day, I cannot. That is the bottom line. I only have one day at a time.
So, when my intergroup asked me to go to world service as their delegate, I had to say “no” because being secretary for region 5 was enough. I really wanted to go to the World Service Business Conference, but experience told me that WSBC delegate service was not just one week, it was all year. My Region 5 service is 24/7 and taking on WSBC would most likely get in the way of my personal life. However, when I am asked to give a lead or do some service at a meeting I would be attending anyway, I say “yes”. I say “yes” because I can stay within a good healthy balance in my life.
Knowing when to “yes” or no” can be very challenging when you are not self-aware. It always comes down to what I am willing to do. I must admit that I also spent my life finding it difficult to make decisions. The conflicting internal dialog spun around and around. Before I joined OA one of my ex-wife’s biggest complaints was that I was wishy-washy about everything. Just going to a restaurant, was difficult, because I had so much trouble even deciding what I was going to have. Because, honestly, I wanted almost everything on that menu. Today, I do not have that problem. Having a simple food plan changes the decision from what am I going to eat, to, am I going to keep to the plan or not.
When I do struggle deciding, I lean on what I have learned by working the Steps in OA. There is a simple test that is laid-out in our literature. When applied, this test can tell me if my motivation to say “no” or “yes” is the right one. The Big Book says it very clear on page 84 “Continued to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.” If my decision is based on any one of those things, then most likely my decision was not a good decision. This also means that if my decision is based on love, honestly, tolerance, and humility, then most likely, I am making the right decision.
When I am not sure if my motivation is pure, I ask my High Power for guidance. That means finding the pause, because that is where my Higher Power lives. My old sponsor Ellen, used to say, “God answers all prayer with yes, no, or wait. Wait is because he had something better in mind for me.” The one thing I discovered is, when I got God’s answer, it always came with a sense of peace. It is hard to describe. Just that I knew, whether I liked the answer or not, it was right for me. When I still felt the conflict about it, then most likely the answer was not coming from God. To be sure, asking for help was the next right thing to do. In other words, talking to my Sponsor or a good OA friend that I trust. Often My Higher Power talks to me through my friends. Again, when I hear the answer from my friends, it comes with the recognition that is the right answer. I do not always want the answer I get, but when I follow through, I always feel better when it is done.
Over the years I have been in OA, I have heard many people (including myself) complaining that we cannot seem to get enough people to do service. That it is the same group of people who do most of the service. Today, I recognize, that willingness and motivation is the problem. If you talk to someone who is not giving service, they will always have their justifications (or should I say excuses) in place. When you blow away all the smoke, it always boils down to the same reasons why some people are unable to get or stay abstinent. The only reason someone breaks their abstinence is because they want the food more than the abstinence. The only reason someone is not giving service is they do not want to do it. And no matter how hard you can try to persuade someone to stay abstinent or give service, unless the person finds it in themselves, they will not do it.
So, I ask you, are you aware of what motivates you? How willing are you to do something that will help you stay abstinent? It is easy to say “yes” to the service at your meeting? It is more difficult to say “yes” to service at your Intergroup, Region, or even World Service? You get what you put into your program of recovery. “Half measures availed us nothing” (page 59 AA Big Book). You can ask anybody who has been doing service at the Intergroup, Region, or World Service levels, the rewards increase as you service level increases. I could go on and on about the friends I’ve gained and the self-worth I’ve earned from my Region service, but I won’t bore you with the details. I will only say, when my motivation was in the right place, so was I.
— Joel I.
