NEW ARTICLE!
When I got ready to do my step 8 list, of those to whom I needed to make amends, my sponsor said I should put myself on my amends list. I had done previous 8th steps, so I knew this was an important step to making amends with others. I need to forgive myself and others before I am able to make amends. This ensures that, through forgiveness, resentments don’t rise up and cause the amends to be ineffective.
When I got to me, I realized I had not forgiven myself for several things I did as a child, as well as some I had done in my marriage and as a parent. What should I do? I did not WANT to forgive myself. Why not? When it came down to it, I didn’t feel I deserved to be forgiven. If I didn’t forgive myself I could keep punishing myself, in theory, until I felt I deserved a pardon. Not forgiving myself kept me from pursuing deeper relationships with my HP, whom I call God, and with people.
So, if I couldn’t forgive myself, and was “stuck” in Step 8 until I did so, what could I do in the meantime, while I waited to forgive myself? I decided to ask others how they forgave themselves, if they needed to. I asked my sponsor, a couple of “mentors” I appreciate in program, and one night I was chairing a meeting and chose the topic, which of course, had to be self-forgiveness! I also wrote about it, prayed about it, and even made an appointment with my pastor to talk about it! And all the while, while I waited to forgive myself, I did my program. I went to meetings, met with my sponsor, sponsored, made phone calls and texted fellows. I also did a 4th step to work on “searching moral inventory” of why I wasn’t forgiving myself. This is a character defect to not forgive myself, and working through a detailed inventory helped me find the root of my problem. I was then prepared to do a proper 9th step on myself. I wrote, prayed, and waited. One thing both my sponsor and my pastor suggested was to “act as if.”
My pastor said I would always remember those things I did wrong, but I could choose to “act as if” I had forgiven myself until my feelings caught up, after I said the words, “I forgive you” to myself. So, I plunged into forgiveness. I said the words, “I forgive you,” and declared to myself that if the thought that I am not forgiven for those actions and words come up, I would remind myself that I am forgiven, because I chose to do it. Faith, fact, feeling, in that order, is what I learned somewhere. It works for me. I am forgiven. I don’t have to bash myself anymore. I don’t even have to “feel” forgiven. My side of the street is clean towards me, and I can now “move quickly forward” to the amends step, step 9!