Recovery is full of paradoxes. You know what I mean, things that seem to be contradictory, but when practiced, turn out to be true. The biggest paradox in program is that we must let it go to have it. For example, in Step One I had to admit the true nature of my problem. That I have a disease that caused me, without explanation, to pursue food like a drug and that my life was unmanageable. I spent my entire life in the chase. I was chasing after happiness, love, sex, success, power, money, and my dreams. And when none of my plans and expectations came true, I was filled with disappointment and sadness. So, instead, I chased after something that I could obtain and that gave me pleasure and distracted me from all those disappointments with life. It really did not matter what I was chasing. What mattered was that I was actively pursuing my goals. The amount of money and energy that I expended on the chase was exhausting. I get tired just thinking about it. The things I was able to succeed at getting, were fleeting at best, and so, there I was in the pursuit again. It was a never-ending quest for something that never quite satisfied my desire.
When I came into OA, I was told I was going to have to surrender. This made no sense. Surrender, how can that be? I was taught by my parents that it was up to me and only me to create my dreams. That nobody was going to help me. That I was alone in my journey. And that God only helps those that help themselves. I had to take control, have confidence in myself, and get out there and just do it. But what I discovered was that the more I tried to control things and pursue things, the more they resisted my control and ran away. Especially people. Nobody ever wanted to cooperate with my agenda. I just did not get it. After all I knew better than everybody else, about what needed to be done. Yeah, I really believed my parents, I was all alone. It is no wonder that I spent much of my life chronically depressed and suicidal.
Surrender is paradoxical. When I came into OA, I was told that I had to let it go to have it. I had to stop chasing happiness to find it. I had to surrender my will (thoughts) and life (actions) over to the care of God, to get some sort of manageability into my life. Control was an illusion, and God does control everything. If I get out the way, God can and will take care of me. If I ask for help, people will help me. By giving away myself to other people, they will give back to me more than I ever had. I had to be a friend, to have friends. One thing that I have learned in OA is that I really know nothing. Acceptance is the answer to everything. Serenity is the opposite of expectations. I am only as sick as my secrets. I need let go of my defects of character, for God to take them. Nothing lives in a vacuum. God will not take my defects of character, without action to behave differently on my part. I need to forgive others, to be forgiven. Recovery is full of paradoxes.
Being a sponsor is paradoxical. The idea of sponsoring is that since I have done it, I can guide another person to it. But If I try to teach someone, they will most likely not receive it. I cannot fix anyone, and they must want the solution to receive the solution. People are very resistant to change. They typically do not want to be told what to do. Yet, as a sponsor, I am supposed to help someone. But how can I do that if I cannot teach them? I discovered that all I can ever really do is share myself with someone. A better term than sponsor is a sharing partner. I can share my journey and what I have done to get recovery with another person. It is up to the other person to decide what to do with that. In fact, it is none of my business if they actually do it. I am only responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I am honored when someone does share their journey and life with me. I sponsor by being a friend. I am neither a therapist nor a teacher. It is not my place to tell someone how to lead their life. But yet, it is true when I say to someone, “If you want what I have, you need to do what I’ve done. If that does not work for you, then you are free to try something else.” The funny thing about sponsoring is that I believe that when I do give myself self away, I get so much more back than what I give. Just another paradox, I guess.
If you think about it, recovery is really kind of selfish. Well, no, it is learning to be humble. I must take care of myself, so that I can be there for other people. I must put myself first, so that I can make other people important. If I am not working my program of recovery, then it is difficult for me to work for anything outside of myself. If I am not abstinent, then I am in bondage to the food and that creates crazy illogical thoughts. As a professional who is concerned with logic all day long, this is the kind of thing that just tickles my soul. The whole point of being in recovery is more than trying to beat an addiction. When I crossed-over the top of that hill, I discovered a whole mountain that I needed to climb. I had a taste of a good life and I wanted more. So, I started to climb that mountain of recovery, but there was no straight path to my goal. I was all over the place. I used to have a sponsor who would say to me, “the mountain of recovery is a wet mountain of glass. You are either climbing or you are sliding”. But then I learned that sometimes you must slide backwards to go forward. But isn’t it true that if you needed to slide backwards to learn your lesson, then while you are going backwards you are actually making forward progress? Ok, I will stop now, my head is hurting from all this deep thinking.
I love being in recovery. My life is so much better than it was. We only look backwards to see how far we have come. And I can honestly say, I have come really far. But I know the journey is not done. Can I say I am finally recovered? Does that even matter? What matters is I am still breathing, and my heart is still beating. So, I keep on keeping on. I take one step and then another. I do not know how much further I have yet to walk in this adventure called life. I do not own a crystal ball. I do not need to know. I am grateful for today. And today I woke up.
— Joel I.